Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.