mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes