Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?