Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Cardio Made Easy
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*