Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

can’t bark with your mouth full

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

the pigeons are already plenty salty