Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Have a lovely day 😊
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.