Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy