Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison