Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work