Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
