Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

A flock of dads is called a grill.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble