Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling