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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.