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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The cycle continues
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.