@Merman_Melville

Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

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@lmegordon

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@mack44_d

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@Skoogeth

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@vikkaroni

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!