Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.