Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food