Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment