Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.