Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Why soy sad?

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.