@decentbirthday

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

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@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

@WheelTod

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

@KateWhineHall

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

@imteddybless

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@amandajpanda

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

@Jake_Vig

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

@YuckyTom

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house