@decentbirthday

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

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@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@mommajessiec

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

@robfee

Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

@mynameisntdave

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

@PaperWash

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.