@decentbirthday
@NewDadNotes
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
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@NewDadNotes
@mommajessiec
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
@robfee
Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children
@better_off_dad2
*looks up at lightbulb
‘Stupid moth’
*looks back at phone
@CornOnTheGoblin
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
@Bunnydurden
Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.
@djdarrellripley
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
@mynameisntdave
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
@mentalsweats
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
@PaperWash
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.