MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.