MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
White Castle for the Win
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh