Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap