Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Bloody internet 😳
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is