Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Florida be like…
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly