I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?
Me: A dog. Duh.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’