@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

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@cheeky__gal

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@TravLeBlanc

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

@R0ckG0d88

Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.