The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”
No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
This hot fudge sundae hasn’t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.