mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
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I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Lmfao
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
✨☝️✨
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.