Modded the new Gran Turismo
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.