Modded the new Gran Turismo
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook