Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?