Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

these two trucks have the same bed length

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP