Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”