Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.