Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

I will never stop laughing at this

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys