Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Snack for election night!

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*