Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.