Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf