moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Employees must applaud the planets.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color