Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.