Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

How it started How it’s going

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously