modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
no their not
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool