modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Discuss
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”