Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Every photo I’m tagged in

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

I know karate and tons of other words.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering