Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Mmmm. Shoeshi

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

A wise man once said nothing.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Crying is a sign of leakness.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister