Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Left at a local drug store…

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.