Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

new year update: losing everything but weight

adam and eve had first world problems

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

dogs can find happiness so easily

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.