Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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Taking phone security to the next level.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.