Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
