moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
No. YOU-buprofen.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.