moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Who called it baking and not making love
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!