moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
At least my masseuse has my back.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened