Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*