Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.