Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down