@oakhillbargrill: Me: I'm exhausted Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

@internetluke: [two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men's bathroom] Haha "What do we do?"

@SuperApple80: I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.

@slimmy_shady: If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@Izianikapani: Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby...