@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

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@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@k_lli

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

@JohnLyonTweets

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautรฉed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

@beefman138

*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.

@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003