@cavaticat
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
@Nikkeya08
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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@cavaticat
@GoodBoySeb
@WhatsAGreenhorn
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
@k_lli
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
@SlowSlownews
Meanwhile in Northern Ireland.
@JohnLyonTweets
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
@PwrFulWmn
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautรฉed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
@beefman138
*At Railway station
Me : Can I get a return ticket please?
Station attendant : Where to?
Me : Here.
@om_eye_goodness
Hey baby, are you climate change? Cuz I believe in you.
@EJGomez
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003