Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
