Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”