Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]