Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.