Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

a god among men

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.