Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’