Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
accurate
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s