Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?