Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.