Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You Might Also Like
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“you look easy to draw”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.