Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.