Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean