Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

i want to work in this restaurant

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.