Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I have a new favorite meme page
🤔😂😂
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago