Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad