Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

My work here is don’t.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…