mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Family Celebrity
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
These work great until they don’t.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]