mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
pls suprot
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t