Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Ken is short for chicken

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions