A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
This makes total sense…
My brain is a bad influence on me
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
We have a winner.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.