Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Wednesday

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.