Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

why am I working on Labor Day

ㅤ

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking