Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.